


You've Got Red on You

by YolandaWinston, yumytaffy



Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: Angst, Ensemble - Freeform, Ensemble Cast, F/M, Halloween, Humor, Suspense, closed door mystery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-16
Updated: 2013-11-15
Packaged: 2018-01-01 16:14:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1045915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YolandaWinston/pseuds/YolandaWinston, https://archiveofourown.org/users/yumytaffy/pseuds/yumytaffy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On a dark and stormy Halloween, the Parks Department gets locked in the office while a hooded and stabby figure is on the loose. Meet ‘n’ Greet AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to missnumbat for being a wonderful beta/fangirl. Shout out to this fic’s third co-writer, Google Docs, without which we wouldn’t have been able to creepily watch each other type from two different continents. The title is lovingly borrowed from Shaun of the Dead.

_“It was a dark and stormy Halloween night in Pawnee. Parents all over town were relieved it was too rainy to take their annoying kids trick or treating. Little did they know the blood orphans would soon be knocking on doors, trick or treating for souls!”_

Ann groaned. “April, seriously, can you stop narrating?”

“Sure thing, Ann,” April replied brightly from the doorway to Leslie’s office. She dropped her voice again, “ _‘Sure thing,’ she said, the knife hidden behind her back. The annoying nurse would never see it coming._ ”

Ann pointedly ignored her.

“I’ve never seen a storm this bad,” Leslie murmured, gazing out her office window at the water cascading from the roof into the courtyard.

Ann followed her line of sight. “I know. It’s creepy, right?”

April dropped her excellent horror movie narrator voice. “Shut up, Ann. This is amazing. The only thing that could’ve possibly made Halloween better is the worst storm in, like, a million years.” She paused and added in a whisper, “My prayers to Satan are finally coming true.”

Andy’s laughter rang out from April’s desk. “Babe, our party is going to be so awesome. What if the power goes out while everyone’s super drunk? How fun would that be?”

“Yes,” April intoned, her eyes fixed on Ann. “Under the cover of darkness, everyone can finally murder each other.”

“Or make out!” Andy chimed in. 

“Guys, I hate to break it to you, but you’ll probably have to cancel the party if this storm keeps up.” Leslie shook her head at April’s outraged gasp. “It doesn’t look like it’ll be safe to drive any time soon, and I don’t think anyone’s going to want to leave their homes if they can help it.”

Ann asked sympathetically, “Leslie, you know the same applies to your meet and greet, right?”

Leslie nodded glumly. “Yes. We’ll have to cancel. It’s for the best.”

“What? _Noooo_!” Tom cried, bumping April out of the doorway to rush into Leslie’s office. “I had so much Entertainment 720 merch made for tonight! I just came by to show you! I spent thousands of dollars!”

Leslie smiled at him apologetically. “Tom, I’m really sorry, but we can’t ask all those business owners to come out if it’s not safe. I’m disappointed, too, but there’s always next time.”

“There might not be a next time,” Tom sighed, collapsing into his old desk chair. “The future of my company is riding on this event.”

“I’m sorry, Tom,” Leslie said, pulling the guest list for the meet and greet out of her padfolio. “I’ll start making calls to let everyone know.”

Ann looked at her watch. “Look, it’s nearly five o’clock. Why don’t we wait twenty minutes, see if the storm calms down, and make our decisions as to whether it’s safe to drive then?”

Thunder cracked in the distance. The lights overhead flickered before steadying again.

“But I don’t have a good feeling about our chances,” Ann muttered, glancing up at the fluorescents.

The lights flickered and dimmed again, and a flash of lightning that was a bit too bright for comfort momentarily illuminated the department.

“What is that?!” Tom suddenly screamed, pointing at the window behind Leslie’s desk.

Leslie and Ann whipped around to see where Tom was pointing, while April and Andy ran into the office to see what the commotion was about.

“What?” Leslie demanded, craning her neck to better see the darkened courtyard. “What was it?”

“There was someone standing in front of the window,” Tom said shakily. “He was wearing a hood, and it was too dark to see his face.”

Leslie, Ann, April, and Andy stepped closer to the window and peered out into the darkened courtyard. The wind whipped violently through the mostly-bare trees and blew the rain so it was almost horizontal. No person in their right mind would be outside in that storm.

“Sure, Tom.” Ann rolled her eyes. “Nice try scaring everyone on Halloween.”

Tom gaped at her. “But I’m not—”

Disappointed, Andy went back to April’s desk. 

April followed him out and retrieved her jacket. “You guys can stay here and be lame. Andy and I are leaving. We have a party to set up, and those dead bodies aren’t going to murder themselves.”

“They’re not real bodies,” Andy assured everyone.

Leslie followed April, frowning. “April, I really don’t want you driving in these conditions. You don’t have to listen to me, but as your boss and your mentor, I’ve watched you flower into a beautiful young woman, and I urge you–”

“Fine!” April cut her off, annoyed and a little bit flattered. “God. We won’t drive anywhere yet. But I’m getting out of this office. It’s getting all weird and cabin fevery in here.” She nodded at Andy. “Babe, want to go make out in the rain?”

Andy leapt to his feet, knocking over his chair in the process. He grabbed April’s hand and made for the door, talking excitedly. “What if we get hit by lightning while we’re doing it? Maybe we’ll get some sort of sex superpowers–oh, new band name! I call it!”

“Don’t go outside!” Tom warned. He ran out of Leslie’s office and edged away from the courtyard exit, his eyes filled with terror. “There’s someone out there!”

At that moment, a shrill alarm pierced the air. Hands flew up to cover ears all around the department. Ben, Donna, and Jerry rushed out of the conference room, their meeting abandoned. Ben’s eyes met Leslie’s, then quickly flickered away.

The alarm stopped as abruptly as it had begun, leaving everyone’s confused shouting to fill the sudden silence. Moments later, Chris’s voice echoed out of the ancient City Hall PA system.

_“Attention all City Hall staffers. I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, City Hall is in complete lockdown.”_

As he spoke, loud clunking noises came from all of the exits leading out of the department. April shouted and lunged for the courtyard exit, rattling the door to no avail. 

_“This decision has not been made lightly,” Chris continued as April slid to the floor in defeat. “The police would prefer that I not disclose the details, but I believe in total transparency in government. I regret to inform you that a former staff member has been attacked–stabbed multiple times–on City Hall grounds.”_

Gasps and cries rang out around the department.

_“The victim’s name is Joe Fantringham. Until recently, he was employed in the Sewage Department. My sympathies are with you, his friends and former co-workers.”_

Everyone looked slightly less upset.

_“It’s unclear what a former employee and his van were doing in the City Hall parking lot, where the attack occurred, but the police will be making that a part of their investigation. Luckily, a Ms. Beavers stumbled across the scene and alerted the authorities. Unfortunately, the attacker escaped and is presumed to be armed and dangerous. Furthermore, due to Ms. Beavers’s less than perfect eyesight and Joe’s lack of consciousness, we have no description to go on. Police have surrounded City Hall, but there have been no sightings of anyone fleeing the scene, so we also must assume that the attacker is still on the premises.”_

Nervous glances were exchanged. Leslie reached for Ann’s hand. April tested the door again from where she was slumped on the floor. Though she wouldn’t admit it, this time she was relieved when it failed to open.

_“As a result of this awful incident, the police have activated a security procedure which I, personally, was unaware of until now. It seems that every door in City Hall has an automatic deadlock, able to be remotely activated by the police.”_

Everyone looked to Leslie. She explained quickly, “It was from when the Reasonablists took over the town. Apparently some people thought a few well-placed locks would stop Zorp from melting their faces off.”

Ben looked confused; everyone else nodded. 

_“When it became clear that the culprit was still at large, these emergency measures were activated. As a result, every door in and out of each department in City Hall is now locked and will only be unlocked by the police when the threat is eliminated.”_

All through the department, people groaned and slumped into chairs. 

_“I understand this is a difficult situation. I myself am locked in the City Manager’s office. I intend to use the time to beat my sit-up record. I encourage you to likewise spend the ensuing hours productively.”_

“ _Hours_?!” Tom exclaimed.

“What about our party?!” Andy wailed. April felt a corresponding pang of disappointment. 

“What party?” Ben asked. “Are you having a party _in our house_ without telling me?”

Chris continued, _“And to those of you who were roaming the hallways when this lockdown went into effect, apparently that possibility was overlooked when this system was installed. I suggest you find yourself a closet in which to hide...and perhaps a makeshift weapon would not go amiss.”_

“Chris endorsing violence?” Ben muttered. “That’s not a good sign.”

_“As part of this security plan, each department head should have a two-way radio stored in their office. These can be used to contact me at any time. They will be particularly useful given that tonight’s storm is causing cell service to intermittently drop out. I will update you on this situation as it develops. Until then, stay safe, friends. Chris Traeger, City Manager, over and out.”_

A crackling echoed over the PA system, then abruptly stopped. The silence that followed felt thick and uneasy.

Leslie took a deep breath and smiled reassuringly. She bolted into her office and emerged with an enormous paper bag. “Nobody panic. This is why I keep an emergency candy stash. See, at least we won’t have to miss out on the best part of Halloween.”

April picked herself up off the floor and glared at Leslie. “The best part of Halloween is filling people’s desk drawers with worms. Do you have worms in there, Leslie?”

Across the room, Jerry opened his top drawer. “Oh, geez. April!”

Ron finally emerged from his office, an old two-way radio in one hand and a bottle of whisky in the other. “I have a feeling we’ll be needing this. Also, here is a useless communication device.”

Leslie was the first to sigh and take a seat at the round table in the middle of the department. “Pour me a glass, Ron.”

\----------

April groaned in frustration again and dropped her head on her desk. 

Trapped at work with her lame co-workers wasn't her ideal Halloween. She should’ve been drinking, dancing, and rigging her front door to drop fake blood on her party guests.

The overhead lights flickered distractingly, and the office phone lines were overwhelmed with static. Everyone was scattered around the department. Ron retreated back into his office. Donna typed on her phone at her desk. Leslie paced around the office with her cell phone, making calls to cancel the meet and greet and cursing whenever the reception dropped out. At the round table, Ben pretended to play Candy Crush on his phone but kept sneaking super obvious glances at his secret-ex-secret-girlfriend. Ann and Jerry were also talking at the table. April couldn’t hear what they were saying, but she was sure it was a stupid conversation.

From where he was cowering behind Jerry, Tom kept nervously glancing at the window. He was sticking with his story about the hooded figure; in fact, since Chris’s announcement, he’d insisted it must have been the stabber. April wished it was true. Maybe something interesting would happen then. 

At least Andy was with her. His presence automatically made any situation 90% better. Still, April was bored and hungry. They had probably been there for at least five hours. She checked the time on her phone.

“How has it only been twenty minutes?” she whined to no one in particular.

“It’s fine, babe,” Andy said, pawing through the paper bag Leslie handed him earlier. “Look at all this candy! There’s even Red Hots. These things are the best. They make everything red. Look.” He stuck out his red tongue and showed her his sticky and unnaturally-colored fingertips.

Just as she was going to suggest to Andy that they kill time by making out, yet another crack of thunder sounded, and the lights flickered. After a few feeble attempts to sputter back to life, they stayed off entirely. The only light in the office was the occasional flash of lightning and the dwindling sunlight that managed to shine through the heavy clouds. 

“Does anyone have a flashlight?” Ann asked in the near-darkness.

Leslie said, “Oh! I have a box of flashlights in my office from the Pawnee Goddesses trip.”

As Leslie started for her office, April stopped her. “Wait. I borrowed those flashlights when Andy and I spent the night in a graveyard.”

“Where are the flashlights now?”

April felt a little guilty. “In the graveyard.”

“Great,” Tom said. “Not only are we gonna die, we’re gonna die in the dark.”

Ben chimed in, “My laptop still has some battery left. We can use the screen for light.” 

In the darkness, April could hear Ben shuffling across the office and into the conference room. There were a few muted curses as he bumped into chairs on the way back to his seat at the table.

Ben turned on the laptop, illuminating his face.

Ann leaned in towards the screen. “Who’s Hannah Dash, and why are you reading old e-mails from her?” 

Ann shot a worried glance to Leslie, probably assuming that Ben was moving on. April thought how lucky Ann was not to know about their weird role playing. Their walls were thin, and before Leslie announced her City Council candidacy, April heard some things she could never unhear.

“Don’t worry about it,” Ben said flatly, pulling the laptop closer and clicking a few times. When the screen was clear, he angled it upwards so that it projected a blue haze of light into the room.

There was a brief silence before Jerry began cheerily, “So, anyone know any good scary stories?”

He was met with a chorus of “Come on, Jerry!” and “Ugh, shut up.”

April decided right then that she had enough. She took out her phone and dialed the number she stored under “Annoying Man #4.”

“Hello, Chris Traeger speaking!”

“It’s April.”

“April Ludgate! How wonderful to hear your voice. Is this regarding the current security measures?”

April rolled her eyes. “No, I wanted to talk kale recipes.”

“While I would be delighted to discuss kale with you at any time of the day or night, April, I suspect that you're being sarcastic. I must insist that if you wish to speak to me about the lockdown, you use the provided two-way radio. It’s importa—”

April hung up. Growling in frustration, she snatched the two-way off the table in the center of the room. 

“Chris!” April drew out his name in annoyance. “You need to tell the police to unlock the doors. They have no way of knowing that anyone else is going to get hurt.”

“Hello again, April!” Chris’s voice crackled over the radio. “I’m afraid that’s simply not something they or I can risk. I understand you must be upset–”

“A lot of people want to stab Sewage Joe! So someone finally went through with it. Good for them. It doesn’t mean there’s a serial killer on the loose. It just means Joe is—sorry, _was_ —super annoying. And stabbable.”

There was a brief silence. “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that. First, I’m pleased to report that Joe isn’t dead. He was severely wounded, but the doctors expect him to pull through. But whoever did it certainly has a lot of blood on their hands, figuratively and literally because Joe is, as the EMTs put it, 'a bleeder.'

"Second, since the lockdown began, we’ve received an alarming number of reports of a figure lurking around City Hall and looking into windows. The police are searching, but they haven’t found the culprit yet. Until then, we must assume that we are all in danger and that this person intends to attack again.”

Before April could argue, Ben took the radio out of her hands. Ignoring her glare, he said, “That’s fine, Chris. We understand. Just do what you think is best. I’m sure we’ll be out of here soon.”

“Thank you, Ben!” Chris said in a voice far too cheery for the situation. “My regards to the rest of the Parks Department! Traeger over and out.”

The radio fell silent. The only sound was the hammering of the rain lashing against the windows. In the near darkness, everyone looked at each other forlornly and settled in their seats, prepared to do nothing for the foreseeable future.

\----------

“...And when they turned around, the dog was gone,” Andy said in his best scary voice. He held Ben’s laptop under his chin, giving his face an eerie glow. “Instead, there...was...a...pineapple!”

His captive audience leaned in imperceptibly closer, their eyebrows raised expectantly.

“That was it,” Andy said in his normal voice.

Everyone sat back, disappointed.

“ _That_ was your scary story?” Tom asked. “That was terrible.”

“But the dog turned into _the haunted pineapple_!” Andy argued.

“That’s not scary,” Donna said. “Scary was that time my brother Lavondrious borrowed my Benz–”

“Oh, my God!” Ann yelled.

“I haven’t even gotten to the scary part yet,” Donna chuckled.

“No, the door!” Ann pointed to the courtyard exit with a shaky hand.

Everyone turned. A flash of lightning illuminated the area outside, and everyone screamed.

On the other side of the glass stood a tall, unmoving figure in a black rain coat, the hood raised. The dim light left a disturbingly black void where its face should be. It raised one of its long black-clad arms. A flash of something silver shined in the moonlight. 

The darkness was blinding as the lightning faded from their retinas. A roar of thunder muffled the ongoing screaming. The storm, in all its fury, was right on top of them. There was another flash, and the figure was gone.

“I told you I saw someone!” Tom yelled. 

The laptop chose that moment to die, plunging the room into darkness. Everything was silent save for the whistle of the wind, the pounding rain, and everyone’s suddenly fast breathing.

“How sure are we of the strength of those locks?” Ben asked.

Suddenly, a loud crash sounded from Leslie’s office, and a strong gust of wind began kicking up papers.

“It’s the killer!” Tom exclaimed.

In the darkness, there were screams and crashes as everyone scrambled for cover away from Leslie’s office. April grabbed Andy’s hand and pulled him behind the permits counter. There were only bursts of clarity from the occasional lightning flash, but from what April could tell, Tom ineffectively curled into the fetal position behind a trash can, Leslie and Ben huddled tightly together beside April’s desk, and everyone else seemed to have hidden in the conference room.

After a moment, Ron emerged from his office. Sounding annoyed, he demanded, “What the hell is going on out here?”

“Murderer in Leslie’s office!” Donna yelled from somewhere over to April’s left.

Ron strode into the office. April held her breath, waiting for any indication that Ron just got stabbed or stabbed someone else. Anything involving stabbing, really.

It was quiet for longer than April liked. She was about to tell Andy that maybe they should investigate when Ron came out of Leslie’s office and announced, “It’s a tree branch.”

“Are you sure?” Tom asked, still curled into a ball on the ground.

“Yes,” Ron said. “I know what a tree looks like.”

Slowly, everyone emerged from their hiding places, still on their guard. April squeezed Andy’s hand a little too tightly. He squeezed back reassuringly and smiled down at her. She was pretty sure she’d never loved him more than she did in that moment. She would’ve made out with him right there if Ron hadn’t continued.

“We need to patch up that broken window before the storm gets worse.”

“Maybe we should call Chris and tell him what’s going on,” Ben suggested.

“Nonsense,” Ron said surveying the available furniture around him. “I’ll take care of it.”

\----------

Somehow using just a pocket knife and a hammer he had in his office, Ron worked in the darkness and fashioned a surprisingly sturdy barricade out of one of Leslie’s bookshelves, a chair, and part of the very branch that broke the window. 

“That won’t hold for long,” Ron said, folding up his knife and putting it back into his pocket, “but it’ll keep the rain and wind at bay until we can get out of this hellhole.”

“Will it keep out serial killers?” Tom asked, slowly peeking into the office from behind the door frame.

“Get it together, son.” Ron said. “There are no serial killers. What you saw was a figment of your imagination.”

“Usually I’d agree with you,” Ann said as she and Leslie cleaned up the broken glass with the brush and dust pan Leslie kept in her office, “but we all saw it, too. There’s definitely someone out there.”

Ron glanced at the makeshift barrier. “No one is getting in here unless we let them. The best we can do is wait until lockdown is over. I suggest you stay close to the others.”

Ann and Leslie rejoined the rest of the group, who were huddled a little closer around the circular table than before. Leslie took a seat next to Ben and leaned into his side. He gave her a strange look, and she pulled away, averting her gaze.

Ron retreated back into his office to nurse a whisky. Instead of sitting at his desk, however, he took up post on the bench in full view of the rest of the department. Whether it was more for his comfort or everyone else’s, April wasn’t sure, but she secretly appreciated it all the same.

After a few minutes of glancing between the windows and each other, Tom broke the silence. “You know what? If we’re gonna die, we might as well die in style.” He ducked into Leslie’s office and brought back a large bag with the Entertainment 720 logo on it. 

“While we’re waiting to be serial killed,” he continued, “allow me to introduce you all to our brand new Entertainment 720 merch, exclusively developed for tonight’s meet ‘n’ greet that apparently wouldn’t have happened even if we weren’t locked in a glass box waiting to be stabbed." Tom, looking mildly bitter, heaved the bag onto the table.

One by one, he pulled items from the bag, barely illuminated by the moonlight. “Entertainment 720 velvet throw, Entertainment 720 neck massager–that one’s for the ladies,” he said with a wink. “E720 tiny mug with my face on it, E720 toilet paper–”

“Does that have your face on it, too?” April asked. 

Ann tried to look into the bag. "Are there any flashlights in there?"

"No, but there are E720 scented candles." He pulled one out with a flourish.

Leslie took it from his hand. "Tom! Why didn't you say so earlier? We could've used these." She briefly illuminated the bottom of the candle with her phone to read the label. "What does 'Cashmere Sunset' smell like?"

Ron emerged from his office with a pack of matches and lit the candle. Everyone leaned in towards the flame, sniffed the air, and immediately pulled back with surprised exclamations. Ron quickly extinguished the flame as Ben began to dry heave. 

"What the hell is that smell?" April asked, waving the lingering scent away from her. 

"You like it? Jean-Ralphio and I created it ourselves."

Andy laughed and wrinkled his nose. "It smells like moldy ranch mac and cheese."

“Darkness it is,” Leslie said, pushing the candle as far away from her as she could. 

Tom glared at them and continued to dig in the bag.

"Jerry, you make a lot of mistakes. Here's an E720 pen so people can correct them.” Tom tossed a fountain pen to Jerry. As soon as Jerry caught it with fumbling hands, red ink burst onto his hands and shirt.

“Aw, jeez,” Jerry complained, ineffectually dabbing at the growing ink blobs on his shirt.

“Nice job, Jerry,” April said. She took some papers off his desk and handed them to him. “Here, wipe it with these.”

Jerry gratefully took the pages and wiped the ink from his hands. After a moment, he looked closer at the papers. “Hey, these are the Ramsett Park permits I spent all afternoon doing.”

“Dammit, Jerry!” Leslie scolded. “Those were important. Now they’re ruined, so you’re just going to have to do them again.”

There was a flash of what looked to be annoyance in Jerry’s eyes, but it was gone as soon as it appeared. He sighed and shuffled the stained pages. “Yes, boss.”

“What else ya got in there, Tommy T?” Donna asked. 

“Um, I’ll tell you if you pay attention for one minute and stop staring at your phone!”

Donna raised her eyebrows but put her phone down. “Passive aggressive is not a good color on you, Tom. Besides, how else am I supposed to live-tweet this dumb ass evening?”

“Oh, well, if you’re live-tweeting, I guess that’s okay,” Tom said in all sincerity.

He rummaged around in the bag again. “Here we have an E720 prototype. I expect you’ll be seeing this product in all major department stores by Christmas. Get this: for the ultimate baller, red carpet insoles for your shoes!” He held one up in triumph and put on his best commercial voice. “Everywhere you go, walk on red carpet.”

“Nice!” Donna exclaimed, holding out her hand expectantly. Tom passed her the prototype. After a brief inspection, she returned it. 

“What do you think?” Tom asked, eagerly clutching the insole.

“Honestly? The fabric feels cheap and nasty. In fact, it _is_ cheap and nasty. Tom, you’ve got red dye rubbing off all over your hands.”

“Like I said, it’s a prototype,” Tom snapped. “I couldn’t afford the good stuff, okay?”

While they were arguing, Ben pulled the bag towards himself and reached into it. "What's that shiny thing?" he asked. Almost immediately, he drew his hand back with a sharp cry.

"Oh, my God, you're bleeding!" Leslie said, lunging closer to Ben as he cradled his injured hand. 

"What the hell did he cut his hand on?" Ann demanded. She gently ushered Leslie out of the chair next to Ben so she could examine his cut, from which a worrying amount of blood had begun to flow. 

Tom used his phone to illuminate the darkened bag and carefully pulled out an unfolded razor. He said sheepishly, "E720 straight razor?"

"You had a loose razor in there?!" Leslie demanded.

"It must’ve opened by itself in the bag,” Tom said.

"You're an idiot. A straight razor? Seriously?" Ann grabbed the box of tissues from April's desk and held a wad of them to Ben's palm. 

"It was Jean-Ralphio's idea. He said old people love sophisticated, old-timey swag!"

"You're an idiot for going along with it,” Ann sighed, pressing more tissues into Ben’s hand. They were soaked through in seconds. 

"I'm starting to feel a little dizzy," Ben said. Leslie stood behind him and rubbed his shoulder in soothing circles.

“This doesn't look great,” Ann murmured. ”I think you might need stitches. We need to slow the bleeding until we can get out of here. Leslie, do you have a First Aid kit?”

“What?” Leslie said with a start, tearing her worried gaze from Ben. “Oh. Yeah, in my office.”

“Good. Bring some of those horrifying candles. We’re going to need light.”

As Leslie and Ann led Ben into the other room, April picked up the two-way radio. If Ben bleeding to death wasn't enough of a reason for Chris to let them out, she didn't know what was. 

"Chris, it's April,” she spoke into the radio. “Your boyfriend is dying. You need to let us out."

“What?” Chris’s voice crackled in alarm. “April, what happened?”

“Ben cut his hand pretty bad. He’s bleeding all over the place. Ann’s checking on him, but she said it’s not looking good.” April lowered her voice dramatically. “If we don’t get him to the hospital, they’ll probably have to amputate.”

“I did not say that!” Ann shouted from where they’d set up at Tom’s old desk.

“The situation’s dire, Chris,” April said quickly as Ron began pulling the radio from her hand. “You need to get him out of here and also the rest of us.”

“Chris. This is Ron.” He raised his voice over Chris’s increasingly panicked exclamations, “Calm the hell down. The situation is under control. That said, it would be for the best if everyone is allowed to leave as soon as possible. I understand there are dangers out there, but apparently there are dangers in here as well.” He frowned at Tom.

“Just...hang in there,” Chris said, sounding shaken. “I’m sure this will all be over soon.”

“Understood,” Ron said grimly. He replaced the radio on the table as Ann rejoined the group.

“How’s he doing?” Jerry asked her.

“He’ll be fine,” Ann replied, though she sounded worried. “We got the bleeding to slow down, but he’s a little lightheaded. He’ll probably need to see a doctor.”

April glanced back into Leslie’s office, where Leslie and Ben huddled together in the soft, smelly candlelight. Leslie gently pushed Ben’s hair back from his pale forehead and reached for his uninjured hand. He flinched away, his expression pained. April could see his lips moving but couldn’t make out what he was saying. Leslie nodded sadly and stood to leave, taking the candles with her. Ben seemed to react to the smell more strongly than everyone else, and the last thing they needed added to the dark, terrifying mix that night was vomit. As Leslie carried the candles out, the last thing April saw in their flickering light was the longing expression on Ben’s face as he watched her leave. 

\----------

One by one over the next hour, everyone gave in and lit a putrid candle to illuminate whatever activity they’d found to stave off boredom. 

For Leslie and Jerry, that meant being lame and working. Ann pulled a boring book from her purse. Donna apparently had a supercharged phone and was still gleefully typing. Ron was doing whatever Ron always did in his office. Tom stared glumly at the bag of E720 merch. April and Andy retrieved the box of Halloween stuff meant for their party and amused themselves with the fake blood caplets. Ann and Leslie settled a still-woozy Ben at April’s desk so he could get some rest while staying close to the group. 

A sort of relative peace settled over the department. People milled about and talked quietly. It was like a normal workday but lit by really gross-smelling candles. It was entirely too boring for April’s taste, especially on Halloween.

“Hey, Leslie,” Ben called, “do you still have that Eleanor Roosevelt biography in your office? I figured I could start reading it while we’re here.”

Leslie looked up from the folders spread out in front of her. “Of course! I have four of them. Which one do you want? You know what? Take all of them. Tom, would you mind getting them? I’m on a roll with this Community Center schedule. They’re in my bottom desk drawer.”

Ben shook his head. “Oh. Leslie, maybe—”

Tom sighed and stood up. “Fine. My phone died an hour ago. I need something to do. I’m almost bored enough to start reading one of them.”

Leslie’s eyes lit up. “You are?!”

“I said _almost_.” Tom picked up a candle and went into Leslie’s office, where he proceeded to loudly rummage in her desk.

Suddenly, the calm of the office was pierced by a shrill scream.

In an instant, everyone but Ben jumped up and crammed into the suddenly-too-small office, where Tom stared, horrified, at Leslie’s desk. The meet and greet guest list was smeared with splotches of red and a large, messy scrawl reading:

_Leslie, I’m going to get you alone and make you scream._

April’s eyes widened in glee. Things were about to get interesting.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Everybody’s heads snapped in Leslie’s direction.

Her worried gaze flitted around the room and settled on the scrawled message. As she backed out of her office, the crowd parted as if afraid to touch her. She dropped into a chair as everyone quietly filed back out.

Ben looked up, confused. “What’s going on?”

“Okay, we need to stay calm,” Ann said, taking slow steps towards Leslie as if she was approaching a skittish animal.

“Ann, _stay calm_?!” Leslie yelled. “Ann! Someone wants to kill me, Ann!”

“ _Kill you_?” Ben repeated.

Andy retrieved the guest list from the office and read it out loud, “‘Leslie, I’m going to get you alone and make you scream.’”

Donna’s eyes didn’t leave her phone as her fingers flew over the screen. “That sounds nasty.”

Andy giggled. “I know, right? Leslie’s totally gonna get horror movie-killed.”

Even more color drained from Ben’s face. “Oh, God.”

“No!” Tom whined. “I’m too young to die! There are so many things I haven’t done yet! I haven’t partied in Ibiza with Drake! Or gone cologne shopping with Kanye!"

He was silenced by April’s palm slapping across the face. “Leslie’s the one who’s going to die, not you.”

Ann sighed. “That’s not helpful, April.”

Tom cradled his cheek. “Why’d you slap me?”

April shrugged. “It felt right.”

“We should double check those locks,” Jerry suggested. 

Donna cackled. “This is just like when everybody was locked in with a killer in _Murder Office 7_.”

Tom’s eyes grew wider. “What happened there?”

“Everyone got paranoid and killed each other,” Donna said with a shrug.

“We should get weapons,” April said, trying to control her excitement.

“Did you not hear what Donna just said?” Tom asked. “The last thing we need is weapons!”

“Does anyone have a bow and arrow?” Andy asked.

“I’m getting my shotgun,” Ron declared, turning to his office.

“You have a gun, Ron?” Ben called weakly.

“Of course I do.”

Ann looked horrified. “In the office? That is the most insane—”

“Is that a no on the bow and arrow?” Andy asked.

April said, “I can make one out of pencils and rubber bands.”

“Hey!” Ann yelled over the growing din of the room. “No one’s getting killed, and there is no murderer, so no guns, Ron. This has to be a stupid prank. Everyone just needs to stay calm and wait for the lockdown to be lifted so we can go home.”

Ron looked like he was about to protest, but he was quieted by Ann’s scariest nurse glare. Though she’d never admit it out loud, even April found Ann’s nurse glare a little chilling.

April looked over to her desk, where Ben was probably bleeding to death. Some time in the growing madness, Leslie made her way over to him to have some sort of whispered conversation.

Leslie noticed April’s eyes on her with a start. She shuffled away from Ben and agreed, “Yeah, a prank. Just a stupid prank. Probably that spawn of satan Pikitis.”

“No, he’s at his aunt’s house in Muncie,” Tom offered. Off everyone’s questioning looks, he added, “I follow him on Twitter. He’s a jerk, but he posts dope pictures of his lunches.”

“That message wasn’t there before the lockdown,” Ann said. “I was in there with Leslie and Tom.”

“What about after that?” Donna asked. She nodded towards Ben. “When you were bandaging up rubber band over there?”

Ann frowned. “I don’t know. I was focused on trying to get the bleeding to stop. I didn’t notice Leslie’s desk.” She looked around to the others. “Didn’t everyone go into Leslie’s office at some point after lockdown?”

She was answered with mumbled replies of “It was dark,” “The candle smelled too terrible to take with me,” and “I was hiding fake spiders in Leslie’s jacket pockets.”

“No one saw anything?”

Everyone shrugged.

Ann looked around grimly. “So all we know is that the message appeared after lockdown.”

Andy announced in a horror movie voice, “That means the call came from...inside this office.”

“There was no call,” Ben said wearily, dropping his head into his uninjured hand.

Andy didn’t flinch. He repeated in the same low voice, “The message came from...inside this office.”

Ron didn’t look convinced. “Are you suggesting one of us wrote that message?”

“I’m not,” Andy began. He reached into his pocket and put on a pair of sunglasses. “But Burt Macklin is. Don’t worry, Leslie. Macklin is on the case.”

“Andy, that’s really not necessary,” Leslie said.

April sat up a little straighter and tipped an imaginary pillbox hat on her head. She said in her best Janet Snakehole voice, “How dare you refuse Burt Macklin’s help! He’s the best FBI agent in the universe! People would kill for Macklin to solve their murder!”

“That makes no sense,” Ann said.

Janet Snakehole hissed at her.

“Let’s consider all the possibilities,” Andy announced, pacing across the room and glaring suspiciously at each person as he passed them. “The note was smeared with a red substance. While I haven’t had a chance to get a sample to the lab—”

“There is no lab,” Ann sighed.

“—In my professional opinion, it looked a lot like blood. Chris did warn us that the killer had blood on his hands.”

Andy paused dramatically. No one interrupted. Pleased, he continued, “The window was broken for a few minutes. The attacker could’ve snuck in and left the message.”

“Are you saying they’re still in here?!” Tom exclaimed, panic escalating in his voice.

There was a frantic scrambling as everyone tried to simultaneously cling to each other and flee. 

“EVERYONE CALM DOWN,” Ron shouted, effectively making everyone freeze awkwardly wherever they were. “No murderers are hiding in here. But for peace of mind, pair up, take a candle, and thoroughly check every corner of the department.”

Nervous energy filled in the room as Ron lit a handful of candles. Ann and Leslie made for her office, while Donna and Jerry searched the conference room. April and Andy crept around the main space of the department, flinging cupboards open and crawling under tables, quietly cackling. Tom followed Ron to his office and lingered in the doorway, his candle casting dark shadows on his face. Only Ben stayed seated, his injured hand propped up, his face slowly regaining color in the flickering candlelight. 

After a minute, everyone converged in the main room. 

“No murderers hiding in here,” Donna said. Everyone else murmured their agreement.

“Alright,” Andy announced, instantly back in Burt Macklin mode. “We have determined that the killer is not still in the office. It’s possible he snuck in when the window was broken, left the creepy note, and snuck back out. Or the other possibility...the message was left by someone in this room.”

“Do you really think anyone in this room would want to hurt Leslie?” Ron asked. 

“Maybe not. But at the very least, they wanted to scare her. And in my professional opinion, that indicates serious socioplastic tendencies.” Andy looked around suspiciously. “Here’s a theory. Maybe that’s not blood smeared all over the note. It’s… _dye_.”

Everyone whipped around to stare at Tom.

“ _Red_ dye,” Andy added dramatically.

April murmured, “We got it, babe.”

“Are you serious?” Tom cried. “Why would I write that psycho note? Look, I’m only admitting this because my innocence is at stake, but I’m sort of shaking with terror over here. Does that match the profile of a murderer?”

Andy crouched down, his face uncomfortably close to Tom’s. “I don’t know, Tomothy. Mayhaps you were furious at Leslie for calling off the meet and greet."

“Yeah,” Janet Snakehole chimed in, “you’ve already admitted that your company needed the business, and you spent thousands of dollars on merch. You definitely had a motive.”

“And how do we know you’re not shaking…with _guilt_?” Andy concluded.

Tom looked around wildly, his eyes meeting pair after pair gazing at him with suspicion. 

“The message was written across the guest list for tonight,” Ann said slowly.

Tom sputtered, “Are you…you can’t be…I’m the one who found it in the first place!” 

“Exactly!” Andy cried triumphantly. “You were in the office for a while. You probably wrote it, then called us in with your girlish scream! It was all part of your master plan. Only you forgot to factor in…Burt Macklin.”

“No, I swear, I would never…” He looked around the room frantically. “What if _Ben_ did it?!”

Everyone looked at Ben, who stared back, wide-eyed. April watched him with interest.

“I’m fairly certain this isn’t Ben’s work,” Ron added.

There were murmurs of assent all around.

Tom looked furious. “Are you kidding me? His hand is bleeding! It makes as much, if not more, sense than it being me!”

Andy giggled. “Uh, Tom, trust me, Ben doesn’t want to murder Leslie.” He winked at Ben in what he probably thought was an inconspicuous manner.

Ben shook his head and stared miserably at the ground. Leslie looked at him worriedly. 

Jerry smiled kindly at Ben. “I mean, come on, Tom. Ben doesn’t have a mean bone in his body!”

Tom argued, “He literally tried to fire all of us, like, a year ago.”

“Tom, it’s obviously not Ben,” Ann said, smiling at him sympathetically. 

“Um, thanks, Ann,” Ben mumbled, his eyes still downcast.

“Yeah, it was probably Jerry,” Leslie said loudly. Jerry looked offended. 

“Of course,” Ben agreed, looking up at Leslie. “Jerry, you must have been furious when Leslie made you redo those permits. And your hands are covered in red ink.”

“J’accuse!” cried Janet Snakehole spiritedly.

“Shh, Jerry, it’s okay,” Leslie said over Jerry’s protestations. “It was obviously you, so just admit it. We’ll forgive you, and we’ll all move on.”

Ann frowned. “Leslie, I really don’t think it'll be as simple as that. Whoever wrote this has some serious problems that need to be addressed.” She turned her gaze to Jerry. “Honestly, Jerry. Was it you?”

Jerry exclaimed in outrage, “Of course not! I don’t know how any of you could think so low of me.”

Andy broke character long enough to giggle. 

Jerry looked angry. “Well, how do we know it’s not you, Ann? Or Ron, for that matter?”

The room burst into laughter. 

“Oh, thanks, Jerry, we needed that,” Leslie said, wiping a tear from her eye. 

Ron glared at Jerry. “Now that we got the stupid suggestions out of the way, who has a real one?”

“Actually, I might,” Ann said slowly. “Think about it. Who’s been having the time of their life while everyone else is scared out of their wits?”

Everyone turned to look at Andy, who looked over his shoulder. He raised his hand to scratch his head in confusion, leaving trails of sticky red candy in his hair.

Ron looked skeptical. “I know this young man enjoys playing detective, but he’s a good kid. He wouldn’t have it in him to write a note like that.”

“Agreed, but April would.” Ann turned to her with a triumphant smile. 

April’s mouth fell open. In her Janet Snakehole voice, she exclaimed, “You _can’t_ be serious.”

“And neither can you!” Ann cried. “You haven’t taken this seriously for a second. You’ve been laughing and role playing and loving every minute of it. Don’t lie.”

Andy drew closer to his wife and put an arm around her shoulders. “Ann, I know you’re stressed, but this is seriously not cool.”

Ann looked at him pleadingly. “Come on, Andy. Isn’t this exactly the sort of thing April would do for her own twisted entertainment? She must’ve known how much fun you’d have, being Burt Macklin, getting to solve a real mystery.”

Andy looked down at April and raised his eyebrows questioningly. Outraged, she pulled away from him. 

“I would _never_ hurt Leslie!” she shouted, dropping the Janet Snakehole voice. “That’s insane. Besides, I’ve threatened to murder Ann hundreds of times and never gone through with it. That should show you what a good person I am.”

Ann made a noise of disgust while Ron looked thoughtful. 

“April, we know you’re upset about missing your party,” he said. “You were looking forward to it, and you wound up stuck here, bored out of your mind. And you were playing with fake blood earlier. It’s consistent with the smudges on the note.”

Though she tried her best to hide it, April was hurt. Hadn’t Ron always been her ally?

He continued, “Can you swear it wasn’t you?”

Slightly appeased, April sighed. “I’m bored, but I’m not an idiot.”

Leslie snorted. April looked at her pointedly. “Besides, Leslie knows it wasn’t me.”

Leslie returned her gaze for a moment, then nodded. She turned to everyone. “Guys, we need to calm down. If the note was written by the stabber, he’s not in here now. And if it was one of you…well, I’m sure that person had their reasons. But I love and trust each and every one of you, and I know no one in this room would ever hurt me. I mean, you’re running my campaign!”

She looked around the room pleadingly. Everyone was frowning, but they appeared to be giving her point some thought. 

“The truth will come out eventually,” Leslie continued, her voice wavering. “It always does. But until then, let’s all remember that we are among friends.” 

“Friends,” Ann agreed grimly. Slowly, everyone in the room repeated the word.

A sort of peace settled over the department until Jerry pointed out, “Donna didn’t say it.”

“Huh?” Donna said, her eyes once again fixed on her phone. “Oh. Friends, whatever. Thanks, snitch.”

“Donna, how do you still have reception?” Leslie asked.

“Oh, I don’t,” Donna said. “It dropped out while everyone was shouting about whatever. I’m just reading a backlog of my own tweets. My followers are lucky. This is some good shit.”

Ann rolled her eyes, then stilled. “Donna, were you still live-tweeting when the message was found?”

“You know it.”

“Your tweets could be a clue!” Ann said excitedly, reaching for Donna’s phone. “You might have unintentionally collected evidence as to who was in Leslie’s office long enough to write the message!”

Donna shrugged and handed it over. “Have at it.”

Tom snorted. “Unless the message was written by a large fireman, I doubt you’ll find anything useful in there.”

Donna laughed. 

Ann scrolled through Donna’s tweets and read them out loud. Her smile faded with each line. 

“ _Power out fo real this time. Hashtag, spooky as shit. Hashtag, someone’s gonna get murdered._ ”

“ _@TomHaverford distributing swag. I call the neck massager. Hashtag, treat yo self._ ”

“ _LOL Leslie’s making Jerry redo the permits. Hashtag, bitch boss._ ”

Leslie spun around, her eyes wide and hurt. Donna avoided eye contact.

“ _Ben losing blood like it’s going outta style. Hashtag, sorry about your hand son._ ”

“ _Leslie and nurse stitching up Ben’s hand. Hashtag, wounded soldier fantasy. Hashtag, someone better get laid._ ”

Ann looked exasperated. “Donna, this really isn’t helpful.”

“I don’t know what you expected,” Donna said, rolling her eyes. “My tweets are for entertainment, not alibis.”

Ann frowned and kept scrolling. “The next tweet is, ‘ _Creepy message found in office. Someone wanna make Leslie scream. Hashtag, dirty talk done wrong._ ’ There’s nothing in here about the time period when the message was written.” She put down the phone and sighed.

Tom immediately snatched it up. “D-money, does this mean the rest of your Twitter feed is backlogged on here, too?”

Donna raised her eyebrows. “I guess. Why?”

Tom looked ecstatic. “I haven’t been able to get on social media in hours! I don’t care if it’s outdated. It’s better than arguing about who’s gonna kill who.”

He curled up in a chair and started scrolling through Donna’s phone, his face relaxed in a vacant smile. His happiness, however, was short lived.

“Uh, guys?” Tom called out nervously. “I think I found something.”

Ann huffed out a laugh. “What, another obnoxious hashtag?”

“No...” Tom said slowly, horror dawning on his face. “I found that tweet from Pikitis, the one where he said he was at his aunt’s, and—”

“Donna, you follow him too?” Leslie asked in disgust. 

“Uh, no. Evil teenagers ain’t my jam. But I follow Tom, and he retweeted it.”

Leslie cried, “Tom! Why?”

“Because he attached a photo of a yummy-looking sammie! It’s not important right now! I didn’t notice before, but even though he says he’s in Muncie, the tweet is geotagged as being sent from Pawnee.”

Everyone was silent. Leslie looked a little sick. “When was it sent?”

“4:30 this afternoon. Just before lockdown.”

“He was giving himself an alibi,” Ann whispered. 

“Oh, my God!” Leslie said. “Pikitis stabbed Sewage Joe!”

“And he has that weird grudge against Leslie,” Andy pointed out. “He managed to break into the office and TP it two years ago. If anyone could sneak in, leave the message, and sneak out while the window was broken, it’s him.”

Leslie shook her head. “Oh, I really don’t think—”

Ron cut in, “He’s right, Leslie. It adds up.”

Tom let out a terrified wail. “Pikitis is out there stabbing people, and looking in our windows, and he hates Leslie, and we’re all gonna die! But if we don’t, I’m unfollowing him the second I get reception again.”

The next moment, pops of static sounded over the PA system.

“ _Attention City Hall_ ,” Chris’s voice crackled through the speakers, “ _I’m pleased to announce that Joe Fantringham’s assailant has been caught. A local youth by the name of Greg Pikitis was found with the bloody knife._ ”

“Pikitis,” Leslie growled at the ceiling.

“ _Joe’s van was found to contain literally the biggest stash of marijuana this town’s police force has ever seen. It seems Joe turned to drug dealing upon his dismissal from the Sewage Department and got on the wrong side of some of the local youth. I believe this is a good reminder to us all to only get high on life. Everyone is free to leave. Thank you all for your cooperation, and I sincerely hope you all have a happy and safe Halloween! And when you’re handing out treats to intrepid trick or treaters, remember: fruits are nature’s candy!_ ”

The sound of the locks disengaging echoed through the office. The room almost immediately felt lighter with the threat of stabbings gone.

“We solved it!” Andy cried triumphantly.

“Um, _I_ solved it,” Tom said.

“The police solved it,” Leslie sighed. “It doesn’t matter. Let’s just go home.”

Everyone murmured agreement and went to gather their things.

“Wait, guys,” Andy said a little shakily. “I don’t think Pikitis wrote that message to Leslie.”

“How could you possibly know that?” Ron asked.

Andy pointed to the courtyard exit. “Because that guy’s back.”

Everyone turned to see the hooded figure once again standing in front of the glass, unmoving. Slowly, the doorknob began turning. There was a collective yelp as everyone scrambled for the closest available object to use as a weapon, which, in most cases, ended up being office supplies.

“A stapler?” Donna hissed at Tom. “Seriously?”

“This stapler’s heavy!” Tom whispered. “I’m gonna throw it at his head!”

“What’s the plan once you’re unarmed and you’ve just pissed him off?” Ann asked.

“We’re about to find out,” Leslie said grimly as everyone instinctively huddled together a little tighter.

The wind blew the door open, slamming against the wall and framing the dark figure in the doorway. Lightning flashing behind it provided the occasional ghostly illumination. April noted vaguely that the sound of the storm was nearly deafening in the previously quiet office, but all she really heard was her heart pounding in her ears.

The figure stepped inside and clicked the door shut behind it, muffling the sound of the rain. Lightning flashed again, but the figure’s face remained in shadow. Slowly, it stepped closer to the group and stopped mere feet from them.

Pale fingers reached up to flip back its soaking wet hood and revealed—

“ _Orin_?!” Leslie exclaimed, clutching her chest. Around her, everyone deflated in relief. “What the hell are you doing?”

He creeped towards April and said barely above a whisper, “What happened to the party? I’ve been trying to find you for hours.” He slowly extended a pale hand towards her. “I brought you a silver cross to ward off vampires.”

Andy looked confused. “Wait, are you not a vampire?”

April would never admit it out loud, but she’d never been more relieved to see Orin. She accepted the cross. “Thanks, but the party’s canceled. Obviously. We’ve been stuck here all night.”

“What the hell is wrong with you, sneaking around like that?” Ron demanded of Orin, his face a little red in the still-flickering lights.

“Hold on,” Donna said, eyeing Orin warily. “Did you write that weird-ass message to Leslie?”

In response, Orin stared at her. He blinked once.

April crossed her arms. “That means no.”

“Well, mystery solved!” Leslie said, still somewhat nervously. “It wasn’t Orin. Let’s all go home.”

“Not a chance,” Ron said, stepping between Leslie and the door. “Someone still has it out for you, and we’re not leaving until the he or she owns up to it.”

The room exploded anew with shouts and accusations. Orin slipped back out into the storm, unnoticed.

April put her hands to her temples, willing her worsening headache to go away. It was fun being trapped inside a really lame horror movie for a while, but it was late, and she was tired, and she wanted to sleep in her own bed. And probably have sex with Andy and build a pillow fort and make a couple of prank calls—it was Halloween, after all. But after that, she really wanted to sleep.

Either way, it was time for the truth to come out.

“Everyone needs to shut up!” April called out to no effect. She spotted one of Leslie’s 20-pound binders and slammed it on the ground. Everyone jumped at the noise and quieted down immediately. “Ben wrote the message. Now can we go?”

Everyone looked between April and Ben, confused. Ben backed a little away from the group, looking like he wished the ground would swallow him whole. 

“How do you figure this?” Ron asked April skeptically.

“Easy,” she said, jumping up to sit on the permits counter, the better to gaze down in superiority at everyone. 

“Ann left Ben alone with Leslie in her office after bandaging his hand. They talked for a minute before Leslie left, taking the candle—the only source of light—with her. Ben was alone in there, in the dark, for long enough to leave the message.”

“Yeah, but so were a lot of people,” Ann said, frustrated. “We’ve been through this, April.”

April ignored her and continued. “The red smudges weren’t candy, or dye, or ink, or anything else. They were Ben’s blood, seeping through his bandages.”

Jerry looked confused and piped up, “Ben’s handwriting is small and neat, April. We all know that. The message—”

“Yes, Ben’s handwriting may normally resemble a little girl’s, but not when he’s writing with an injured hand.” April sighed. She couldn’t believe how dense everyone was being. “I guess none of you noticed while you were all panicking that Ben was looking more and more guilty?”

Seven sets of eyes fixed on Ben, who looked absolutely mortified. Leslie’s eyes were squeezed shut as if trying to make the whole situation disappear by sheer force of will.

Tom stammered, “But…why? Why would you write that message, Ben? I thought you liked Leslie!”

Ben covered his face with his uninjured hand, moaning, “Oh, God…”

April caught her boss’s gaze and looked at her questioningly. Leslie sighed in resignation and nodded.

“This should clear a few things up.” April paused for dramatic effect. “Leslie and Ben are sleeping together.”

The air in the room shifted with everyone’s collective gasp.

“ _Again_?” Ann and Ron demanded as everyone else exclaimed, “ _What_?” 

Donna looked gleeful. “Leslie’s the one who made Batman cry?!”

“Oh, my God, she _is_!” Tom exclaimed, looking equally triumphant.

“I don’t even want to know,” Ann frowned at them. She turned back to her best friend. “Is that why you stopped texting me at all hours of the night? Because you were with Ben? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Leslie looked thoroughly regretful, but before she could answer, Andy cut in. 

“Wait. If they’re having sex, why would Ben want to kill her? It doesn’t make any sense.”

A furious blush rising to her cheeks, Leslie said slowly, “The note didn’t say he wanted to kill me. Just that he wanted to…make me scream.”

Donna cackled. “Told ya it sounded nasty!”

“It was a sex note?” Tom cried. “That makes it even more disturbing!”

Ann looked disgusted. “Ew, Ben! How could you possibly think that was a good idea, especially on a night like this?”

Ben sighed. “I…look, I was lightheaded from blood loss at the time, okay? And being trapped together but having to keep our distance, keep the secret...” He turned to look at Leslie. “It was too much. I wanted to let you know how I felt, and I screwed up. I’m sorry.”

Leslie slipped her arm around his waist and leaned into his side. “You don’t have to apologise to me.” She turned to face everyone else. “But we do owe the rest of you an apology. You were scared, and we knew the truth, and we hid it. It’s just that if our relationship becomes public, it could destroy my campaign, and we could both get fired.”

She took a deep breath. “Keeping the secret became our priority, but it shouldn’t have been. Not when our friends thought we were danger. I’m so, so sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it, boss,” Andy said cheerily. “I had fun, and I was only a little bit afraid that we were going to get murdered.”

Tom looked thoughtful. “On the one hand, I’m proud of you two for your secret sexcapades. On the other hand, I’m really pissed that you made me think we were all going to die.”

“Okay, but Orin’s at least half to blame for that,” Ben said.

Ron cleared his throat. “I was of the understanding that you ended your relationship after Li’l Sebastian’s funeral.”

“We did,” Leslie assured him. “A…a little bit after that. But after I got back from the Goddesses’ camping trip, Ben came to my house, and we talked, and we…got back together.”

“Yeah, you did!” Donna said with a wide grin. “Question, when you ‘got back together,’ was he wearing his Batman suit?”

Leslie and Ben both somehow became even redder.

“He was!” Donna crowed. Tom doubled over in laughter.

Ben shook his head and turned to April. “When did you figure it out?”

“Like two minutes after the note was found,” April said with a shrug. “You were all whispery, and you didn’t even try to deny it was you. Plus, you two have been acting weird all night. It was kind of obvious you were back together. I guess I’m just way smarter than everyone else.”

“Well, congratulations, you two,” Jerry beamed. “I must say I’m a little surprised, but I think you make a lovely couple.”

They mumbled their thanks, and Leslie finally met Ann’s eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Ann,” she said. “I was going to tell you, really. It only happened a week ago, and I…I guess I knew what you’d say, and I didn’t want to hear it just yet.”

Ann sighed. “Yeah, I get that, Leslie. I just wish you would’ve owned up to it when this whole note debacle started.”

Leslie had the grace to look ashamed. 

Ben pulled her closer into his side and said regretfully, “Again, we’re really sorry we didn’t come clean. We did our best to keep everyone calm, but…obviously that wasn’t good enough.” He scanned the room, taking in the various irritated stares. “But if Chris finds out about us—”

“No one’s going to tell Chris,” Tom assured them. “Do you really think we’d do that to you guys?”

Around the room, everyone nodded and murmured their assent.

April looked down at the apologetic couple from her perch on the permits counter. Leslie was tightly clutching Ben’s ugly plaid shirt, and Ben was trying to hide his red face in Leslie’s hair. They really were sickeningly in love, even if they hadn’t realised that part yet.

“Half of us knew you were sleeping together the first time anyway,” April said. “No one told Chris then. And no one will this time.” She stared threateningly at the rest of the group. ”Everyone can keep a secret, right?”

Jerry looked a little sick.

April growled, “So help me, Jerry, I will staple your mouth shut if I have to.”

“No one’s stapling anyone’s’ mouth shut,” Leslie warned. She looked up at Ben with a sad smile. “And you might not have to keep the secret for much longer. Honestly, we’d talked about telling Chris so we can be together for real. This is probably a sign that the time has come.”

Ben returned her gaze, worry creasing his brow. “Are you sure? What about—”

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Leslie interrupted. “I love my job, and I want to be on City Council—God, I want it so badly—but I think we need to face the fact that we’re really bad at keeping secrets.”

Ron stared them both down. “That is accurate.”

April tugged Andy closer to her by the collar of his shirt. She tangled her fingers in his hair and thought about how she couldn’t wait to get home. She hoped that Leslie and Ben no longer being a secret didn’t mean they’d resume having loud sex in her house. Who was she kidding? It probably meant exactly that.

Ugh. She wanted them to be happy, but at what cost?

“Hey, look!” Andy said from where he was leaning back in her arms. “The storm’s calmed down!”

Everyone turned towards the courtyard and sighed in relief. Though rain still fell, it was light and soothing. The darkest clouds cleared away, leaving the courtyard bathed in the soft silver light of the full moon. Thunder rumbled in the distance. Hopefully the storm was busy destroying Eagleton now. 

There was a loud buzzing, and the dim lights in the office fully came back to life one by one. Everyone squinted in the sudden glare and observed the toll the last few hours had taken on their department. Candy wrappers were strewn on the floor, papers were scattered on tables and floors, half-melted candles sat on every surface. To Ron’s credit, the makeshift barricade across Leslie’s office window had held strong through all of it. 

Leslie had her hard-work-no-sleep face on, and April had a sinking feeling she was about to suggest a cleaning spree, but Ben’s arm visibly tightened around her waist. Leslie’s face relaxed.

“Should we leave the cleaning for tomorrow?” Leslie suggested to the room.

“Tomorrow,” Ann agreed. “Let’s go home.”

Leslie untangled herself from Ben long enough to wrap her best friend in a tight hug. 

“JJ’s in the morning?” April heard Leslie whisper.

“Of course,” Ann replied with a smile.

Everyone gathered their bags and wandered into the hallway. April noted the barricaded closets and abandoned shoes. Obviously they weren’t the only ones to lose the plot during the lockdown.

As the Parks Department emerged from the City Hall front doors, everyone said their goodbyes and hurried through the rain to their cars. April, Andy, Leslie, and Ben were the last ones left, sheltered under the stone entrance.

Leslie took Ben’s hand and murmured, “My place?”

“ _Yes_ , thank God,” April said. 

Ben’s frown was short-lived, melting into a smile as he gazed into Leslie’s eyes. He agreed, “Your place.”

With a final wave at April and Andy, they disappeared into the rain, hand-in-uninjured hand.

April looked up at her husband. “I guess tonight could’ve gone worse.”

“We got to solve an attempted murder _and_ a mystery on Halloween!” Andy exclaimed. “It was kinda awesome.”

“Yeah,” she agreed, watching Leslie and Ben go. “Sucks that we didn’t get to have our party, though.”

“But our house _is_ still stocked with enough food and candy for fifty people."

“Bagel Bites, M&Ms, and _Murder Office 7_ on Netflix?” April suggested. “I have Ben’s password. And we’re gonna have the house to ourselves. We can have sex in the living room on Ben’s comforter.”

“I have the smartest wife in the world.”

As she pulled him towards their car, April said in her horror movie voice, “ _The stunningly attractive young couple finally made their way home. They had no idea the blood orphans would be waiting on their doorstep._ ”

Andy laughed. “Hey, what are blood orphans anyway?”

April intoned, “I guess you’ll find out when they suck your soul out through your nose."

“You’re so creepy, babe. I love you.”

They climbed into their car and drove away. The parking lot was silent at last. All that remained was the moon shining softly on the pavement, gleaming red with a sheen of rainwater and blood.

THE END


End file.
